


Radio Silence

by khughes830



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Romance, cause we are all feeling it today
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-03-15 13:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13613883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khughes830/pseuds/khughes830
Summary: Post Ep The Undiscovered Country and forward.  The aftermath of Barba leaving.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I felt the need to write and the first chapter and the title came to me in the middle of the night. Zero clue where this is possibly going other than I will eventually bring Barba back to NYC and Olivia. That much I promise you.

She stared at the glass of wine. Hard. Like she was willing it to make this day turn out differently. To make the last few months turn out differently. The reality of life right now was weighing her down. It felt heavy on her heart and on her shoulders and she was angry. Stuck with an ADA she wasn't sure she would ever be able to trust after this case. Kicking herself for putting them all in this position. On a day like today, she felt like walking away from it all. The job, the disappointment, the red tape. If he had asked, she may have walked away from it all with him. What she wouldn't do for Ed, she would have done in a hot second for him. No sense in denying any of that now. It didn't matter. He left. Those beautiful words and a kiss on her forehead that she would feel forever. She glanced at the phone sitting quiet on the bar next to her glass. Everyone was leaving her alone. She knew she could text him, call him, spam him with something ridiculous, but it didn't matter. He left. She understood why he left. But it did nothing to alleviate the pain in her chest and the pounding in her head. 

Anthony pulled a small tumbler out from behind the bar. "Will Mr. Barba be here soon or…" but he trailed off at the look on her face. 

"He's not coming" she choked out, covering her face with her hand. 

"I'm sorry" he whispered, quickly putting the glass away. 

Olivia sat there, face hidden, willing herself to keep it together. 

"Care if I join you?" she heard from over her shoulder. She glanced up and the tears she had been working so hard to keep at bay started to fall down her face. She dropped her head to the bar, finding herself being all out of shits to give.

Rita found herself fighting back her own tears as the stoic Olivia Benson muffled her sadness on the bar. She sat down next to her, patting her back, motioning for the bartender to get them both new glasses of wine. 

Olivia allowed herself those few moments to sadness and anger and heartbreak with Rita Calhoun. But, she pulled herself together, wiping her eyes. She finally looked over at the other woman. 

"If I hadn't been knee deep in a case forced on me by the rest of the partners…"

"I know, Rita. I know. But Dworkin got him out of it. At least he's not in jail." Rita nodded her head. 

"Have you talked to him?" Olivia asked.

Rita shook her head. "No. I was in a marathon settlement and by the time I got to my phone… he left me a voice mail and now he's not answering." Olivia just nodded. "I haven't tried to call him since…"

Rita just stared at this woman who may be the one thing that brought her oldest friend to life most days. "What, Liv?"

"He said these words to me and then he just… he walked away. He said he had to let go and then he left. I couldn't move."

Rita sighed. "Liv, honestly… he's been struggling. The last few months he's been floundering through work and life in general. Something was bound to come to a head."

Liv shot her red rimmed eyes over to Rita. "Why didn't he tell me?"

Rita shrugged. "Because between the investigation with Noah and then Sheila..." Rita trailed off. 

"I'm a terrible person" she said, dropping her head back down to the bar. 

"Rafael isn't big on sharing the personal, Liv. You know that. I just happen to know the exact amount of scotch it takes to loosen up his lips without making him incoherent." Rita was proud that she was able to pull a very small smile out of Olivia at that moment. 

Rita drained her glass and turned to face Olivia. "Listen to me, Liv. He needs some time. This is how he deals. He goes off the grid. I don't know for how long and I won't know where. Lucia might but even then, she may not. He's needs some time and perspective. He needs to move on from aspects of this life he has been living the last few months. He's not moving on from what he really cares about. He's not built like that."

"And what's that?" Liv asked.

"The law. Doing what's good and right. Great coffee. You and that son of yours." Olivia opened her mouth, but Rita cut her off, holding up her hand. 

"Liv, stop. What you two have is unlike anything I have ever seen. He cares about you. You care about him. There is literally nothing holding you two back now."

"Except that he's radio silent."

Rita nodded. "But that won't last forever. It never does. He will reach out. In his Rafael Barba way, but he will reach out. He needs time. He deserves that." Liv sighed and nodded. 

Rita dropped some cash on the bar and grabbed her coat and bag. "I need to head home, Liv, and I think you should do the same. If anyone" she said, pointing at herself "reports to him when he finally checks in that you are beating yourself up for him leaving, he will never forgive himself." 

The two women gathered their things and left the bar, stopping on the sidewalk. Rita flipped her hair over her shoulder.

"Liv, just give him some time. He'll come around. He always does. But do me a favor when he does?" Liv's eyes widened. "Be honest with yourself and with him. You both deserve that." Rita waved Olivia a goodbye, sending prayer up that her friend would find what he needed out there and come home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We also find ourselves one week post-Rafael Barba/Raul Esparza. I'm grateful for the reprieve of the Olympics but that first ep back is going to suck. The one line lyric is from Chicago's Hard to Say I'm Sorry.

A week.

One week into the post-Barba era wasn't going well. And she knew it. She was grumpy. She realized on day three that she hadn't had coffee until almost 10 am because that was their thing first thing in the morning and she had skipped it each day. When she finally stopped at their cart for her latte, she burst out into tears when the guy asked if she wanted Mr. Barba's order too.

She was short with her team. They got it. They may not like it. She may have gotten her fair share of dirty looks from Amanda, but they got it.

But then yesterday. Yesterday she came back from a meeting to find him sitting on her couch. Not that him she wanted. But Peter Stone. She saw him, sitting there, legs crossed, waiting for her in his spot. She stared at him and turned on her heel, walking out. She couldn't do that. Not with him. Not right now. Maybe not ever. When he followed her, she demanded that from now on, he call when he needed to speak with her and she would meet him a neutral location. She knew that was the only way she could possibly continue function.

And the most recent case was one of those that would have had them meeting in her office, his office, her apartment. Just to talk it through. Share a meal. Like they had not too long ago. She remembers lacing their fingers together, pulling him toward the closest restaurant because he needed to eat. She remembers asking for a quiet table in the back. She wanted to be alone with him. She wasn't sure when that may happen again and she was mentally kicking herself for all the times she had said no in the past. She was scared or pre-occupied or whatever. None of that mattered in that moment. Not when he was staring down the barrel of prison with Dworkin as his only defense.

She did owe Dworkin a thank you for sure. But not yet. She had seen him in passing outside court the first time he faced down Peter Stone instead of Rafael Barba.

"Have you talked to him?" he asked. She just shook her head no. "I don't think anyone has" she replied. He just nodded and walked on.

She leaned her head against the cool wall of the elevator as she rode it up to her apartment. Her heart hurt. Still. It had been a week and it hurt. She wasn't sure if her heart would ever stop hurting. She wasn't aware a person could cry as much as she had over the last week. And how her body found fresh tears she would never know.

She opened the door to her apartment quietly, taking note of the hour. It was well after 10 and she knew if she woke Noah up, she would let him stay up as her distraction from her thoughts and feelings. They had had a few hard to get out of bed mornings over the last week.

She smiled at Lucy, sitting on her couch and then noticed the huge bouquet of flowers sitting on the countertop. "New admirer, Lucy?"

She shrugged. "I was about to ask you the same thing, Olivia. Those are for you. Got delivered as we got home from school." Olivia froze. All red roses. At least two dozen. She slowly walked over to the bouquet.

"Did you read the card?" Olivia asked Lucy over her shoulder.

"Just skimmed it real quick. Didn't make a lot of sense to me. No name attached either. Maybe it makes sense to you."

Olivia plucked the card out of the center of the flowers. Some of the reddest roses she has ever seen in her life.

_After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you, I promise to._

Lucy was right. There was no name. But she didn't need it. She let the tears fall as she traced her fingers over his handwriting. She laughed through her tears for a moment. That cheesy Chicago song that he teased her about singing along to badly a couple of months ago while they were in the car.

She knew he was gone. No longer in New York. Carmen had told her the last thing he asked her to do as he was packing up his office was to rent him a car and a storage unit for all the stuff in his apartment. Carmen said he was going to sublet the place while he was gone, which meant he didn't plan to come back any time in the near future. So, he must have set up the delivery of these right before he left.

She felt Lucy's hand on her shoulder. "So, my guess was right then. Mr. Barba." Olivia just nodded.

Lucy sighed. She treasured her boss and that little boy of hers. The family that had formed with the squad made her feel better about Olivia and Noah. The loss of Rafael Barba was going to be felt for a long time.

"He's not in jail."

"But he's gone" Olivia whispered, holding the small card against her heart.

"He won't be forever, Olivia. I may not know him as well as you, but I just know that he won't stay gone forever. He will come back."

Olivia just nodded. "I just wish he was here now." Lucy squeezed her shoulder. She wished she had some wise words for the older woman.

"I can come early tomorrow if you want to sleep in or…" Olivia shook her head. "I think I'm going to take a short day. I'll still pay you for tomorrow, Lucy, but take the day off."

"You sure?"

Olivia was finding it suddenly became very easy to use all the time she had accrued over the years. While he was taking his time, she needed to take some of her own.

Olivia turned to Lucy. "Yes. Thank you for staying tonight." Lucy quickly gathered her things and gave her boss one last look. But Olivia was just staring at the flowers, clutching the small card with the cryptic writing on it. Lucy quietly shut the door.


	3. Chapter 3

She walked out of the Brooklyn DA’s office, taking a deep breath.  Six weeks.  To the day.  Six weeks since he had walked away from her.  The cold had started to finally break.  She was able to shed the heavy coat and gloves.  She sometimes wishes that day hadn’t been so cold, so she could have felt more of his warmth when he pulled her in close for that kiss on the forehead.  She touched the spot where he had kissed her all those weeks ago.  She could still feel the heat of his lips.  She choked back the sob she felt building up, slipping her sun glasses down onto her face. 

 

She looked at her car and shook her head to herself.  Getting in and driving back to work right now felt wrong.  She needed to walk.  So, she did.  She was doing this more and more over the last few weeks.  Taking more time out of the office.  Coming in a little late.  Leaving a little early.  Delegating more work to Fin.  Letting calls go to voice mail.  She jogged across the street, to beat the light, thinking back to last week.  Her first honest conversation in several weeks.

 

_Fin leaned against the doorframe of her office, watching her unpack her stuff._

_“Noah get to school ok?”_

_Olivia nodded, smiling quickly at the picture of her son on her desk.  “Yup.  He was so excited to have some homemade treats to bring in for the party today.  Thanks for covering that for me.”_

_Fin pushed himself off the door, taking a few steps in.  “Liv, you know that’s what I’m here for.  And you know I will do that anytime.  And I don’t care. Honestly, I don’t.  You have given your life to this place… but…”_

_She paused, looking up at him.  “What’s up?”_

_“Dodds came in yesterday after you left, looking for you.  I told him you went home and he looked at his watch, appalled you had already left for the day.  I told him that most people got to end their work day between 4:30 and 5, but he was still shocked.  His words?  “She’s never left on time before.”_

_Olivia nodded, dropping into her seat.  “I’ll call him.”_

_Fin held up his hand.  “Oh, trust me.  I don’t care if you call him and explain or not.  Everything here was handled, but I just… I can be honest with you, right Liv?”  She nodded.  “Please.”_

_He sat down on the couch.  “I just… I’m wondering if maybe you aren’t subconsciously starting your way out the door.”  She sighed, reaching into her bottom drawer.  She pulled out a stack of papers, dropping them on her desk.  “I’m not sure how subconscious it is anymore, Fin.”  He glanced at them, knowing exactly what it was.”_

_“Liv, I support whatever decision you make.  I will always have your back, whether you are here or not.  But there is no shame in calling it a day.  Especially not you.  You have given your life to this unit.”_

_“I know, Fin.”_

_She grabbed them, shoving them back in her bottom drawer.  He pushed himself off her couch.  “Good.  Just promise me you’ll give us all a heads up?”  He stared at her.  Hard.  She nodded.  They had all been feeling the effects of Barba leaving.  It had been a rough adjustment and there had been some battles between the four of them and Peter Stone.  Each of them was dealing with it in their own way, including Fin._

She stopped to catch her breath.  She hadn’t realized how hard she had been walking.  She leaned against the side of the building, closing her eyes and lifting her face to the sun.  She hadn’t realized part of her passion was going to walk with him that day.  But it had.  She was finally going to be honest with herself about something.  Yeah.  Sure.  She had changed him.  But he had changed her too.  She was so desperate to tell him just how.  But, he was gone.  She had been scared to try to call him.  So, she just didn’t.  He deserved his space and time.  She didn’t want to intrude.  But, she was dying to tell him just all the ways he had managed to open her heart up too.  She hoped she would get the chance to one day. 

 

“Lieutenant?”

 

Olivia looked over, shoving her glasses up into her hair.  Standing there, with bags hanging off her arms, was Lucia Barba.  Olivia pushed herself off the building.

 

“Mrs. Barba.”

 

“Please.  Dear.  Lucia.”  She walked over to Olivia, looking her up and down.  “Darling, what are you doing here?”

 

Olivia motioned behind her.  “I had a meeting at the Brooklyn DA’s office and I just… wasn’t ready to go back to work yet so I took a walk.  What are you doing here?”

 

Lucia smiled.  “You are taking a rest against my school.”  Olivia quickly looked around and saw the small sign.  “Oh my goodness, Mrs. Barba…”

 

“Lucia.”

 

Olivia sighed.  “Lucia. I’m so sorry.”

 

“For what?  Taking a break.  We all need a break now and then, don’t we?”  Olivia looked at the older woman and felt like she could instantly read her turmoil thoughts.  Rafael had always said how his mother just seemed to know what people were thinking and feeling.  It’s why parents loved having their kids in her school. 

 

“Olivia… can I call you Olivia?”  She nodded.  “Olivia, are you ok?  You look…” Lucia cocked her head to the side and for a moment, Olivia saw her son standing there and the tears sprouted before she could stop herself.  “… tired” she finally finished.  Olivia just nodded.  She felt like she finally owed a Barba the truth.  She couldn’t give him the truth he deserved now, so why not be honest with his mother?

 

“Very tired” she choked out.

 

Lucia shuffled her bag, wrapping her free arm around Olivia’s shoulder.  “Come in with me.  I stopped for lunch and have plenty of food.”  Olivia opened her mouth to protest but the look on Lucia’s face stopped her. 

 

“Olivia, when was the last time you just stopped?  Rested?  Maybe just talked to someone else?”  Olivia shook her head.  “It’s been… awhile.”  She gave Lucia a look that let Lucia know that she meant with her son.  Lucia gave Liv a knowing nod. 

 

“So, come in.  Eat and talk to me.  I think it might be good… well, for both of us.”  Olivia nodded quickly, pulling out her phone so that she could let her squad know it would be awhile before she got back.  She then followed Lucia into the school.

 

An hour and a half later, she walked out, feeling lighter. Maybe because they had cried together. She had let Lucia yell at her because she needed to yell at someone. She talked his mother through his thoughts as best she could. They commiserated about how much they missed him. Lucia let her be honest about him, her life, her son, her future. And more importantly, Lucia talked to her in a way she needed but didn't get anymore. As she left, they promised each other they would stay in contact. So that the loneliness they were feeling would feel so much when they were around each other.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm having fun working all these characters in. So I've come up with a direction for this story. And while I'm using the events of Undiscovered Country as the catalyst, I have zero intention of sticking to canon when the show comes back next week. This is going in a different direction. This is probably about as AU as I get.

“This doesn’t feel like a typical Olivia Benson coffee place” he said as he sat down across from her. 

 

Olivia looked up from her cup, smiling a real smile at her former mentor and boss, Don Cragen. She looked around and shrugged.  “It’s not but I’ve been coming here for years because…” but she trailed off, grabbing her coffee cup hard, staring at the light brown concoction inside the cup. 

 

Cragen leaned back in his chair, looking around.  “Yeah.  This does feel more like a Barba place.  Makes sense.”   Olivia nodded.  “He always swore that this was the best coffee in lower Manhattan.  I would never give him the satisfaction of agreeing with him, but he was right.”  She tried to wipe her eyes before Cragen saw the tears, but she was never quick enough for him.  He grabbed her hand, squeezing it. 

 

“How you doing, Liv?”

 

She locked eyes with the older man.  She thought about lying.  Thought about saying she was fine, everything was fine.  But it wasn’t.  She spent 6 years lying to herself.  And what had that gotten her?  Literally nothing. 

 

She shrugged, looking off to the side.  “Honestly?  I don’t think I’m doing too great.”

 

“Have you heard from him?”

 

She shook her head.  “Three months.  Three months of radio silence.  And it’s like, everyday there is something, you know?  Like today.  The weather is amazing.  Today would have been a day he dragged me past three different coffee places to come here.  We would get our orders to go and go find a bench to sit on and talk about what we needed to talk about.”

 

Cragen sighed.  “Wanna go find a bench?”  She laughed a sad laugh.  “No. But thanks for offering.”

 

“Liv, just reading about it was rough.  I can’t imagine having been in the thick of it.  He almost went to jail.  He could be locked up.  I can’t even imagine what that would do to someone’s head.  I mean, we’ve both been there.  Wrongly accused.  But we never got as close as he did.  That surely changes a person.” 

 

“I know.  And I mean, I know he’s alive.  Lucia has gotten two calls and four texts since he left town.  No details about where he is.  But he’s out there somewhere.”

 

Cragen leaned in, smiling.  “So, you hanging out with Lucia Barba now?”

 

Liv shrugged.  “Is it weird?”  Cragen shook his head.  “Not if you both need that.”

 

“We don’t talk about it.  We literally talk about everything else.  She’s become so invested in Noah.  It’s made him not being around a little easier for him to swallow.  We get there and we can look at old pictures and hear stories from when he is a kid.  I mean, Don… he would die if he knew the stories she had been telling us.  I can just hear him yelling at her to stop.”

 

“Sounds like she’s good for more than just Noah.”

 

Liv looked around.  “She is.  Don, I spent so long pushing back… fighting against… everything when it came to that man.  To be around someone who…”

 

“Cares about him just as much as you do?”  Olivia could only nod.  The grief was building up in her throat again.  It didn’t happen as much as at the beginning but it was still there.  And it didn’t take much for it to rear its ugly head. 

 

Cragen clasped his hands together.  “Liv, I know you two care about each other.  I mean, I have eyes.  Everyone does.  I get why the trigger never got pulled.  And how this all ended… no one would have ever guessed, right?  But you can’t…”

 

She stared at him.  Hard.  “Can’t what, Don?”

 

“Liv, you can’t put your life on hold.”

 

“I’m not interested in dating.  The thought literally makes me want to puke.”

 

He held up his hand.  “I didn’t say that Liv.  Trust me.  I can see it all over your face.  That’s the last thing you want and that’s fine.  And I may not know him as well as you do.  I won’t even pretend that I do.  But what I would bet all the money I have on me on is that the last thing he would want is for you to beat yourself up over this.  Over him.  I would bet he would be saying something along the lines of ‘stop moping and get off your ass Benson’.” 

 

She laughed.  “Yeah, it would probably be close to that.”

 

“Good.  Then we agree.  No more moping.” 

 

“Sure Cap.  No more moping.”

 

Cragen sighed.  “Not that it’s not great to see you, Liv, but is that all you needed?”

 

She shook her head.  “No.  Talk to me about retirement.”  Cragen’s eyes went wide.  “What?”

 

She bit her lip for a moment.  “Look, I’m not saying that I’m walking my papers over to 1PP today or anything.  But it’s been on mind.  I guess Barba walking away from all this insanity really made me see there is life after SVU.  Do I want to go out on a high or do I want this job to suck all my life out of me till I have to leave, like I guess it did for him a little bit?  I know I don’t want the latter.  In the end, Barba got to leave on his terms and I want that to.  So, I need you to talk to me about retirement.” Cragen leaned back in.

 

“Well, get comfortable, Liv.  I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, they exited the coffee shop, exchange a hug and promises to do this more.  She watched Cragen walk away, a pep in step that hadn’t been there while he was her boss.  That much she knew for sure.  She took in a deep breath, taking in the warm air and sunshine.  For the first time since that snowy, cold day in February, she felt like she finally had a positive outlook on the day.  Maybe she could even dig up some grace for Peter Stone, who had called her twice while she was talking to Cragen.  She rolled her shoulders, pulling her sunglasses back down onto her face, moving her fingers around her phone until she reached the number she needed.  Because he was the voice in her head.  And that voice was telling her _Do your job and do it well, Liv.  The victims need you._

She listened to the phone ring twice before it got picked up.  “Hey, Stone, it’s Benson.  You need something?”  She started walking back toward her office.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It rained here where I live for almost two weeks straight. The sun is finally out today but the damage is done in parts of my town. The beginning may be me channeling my feelings about being trapped in my house with two small children due to so much rain. I'm also TRYING to be open to Peter Stone. I know there are fans of his from Chicago Justice, but after the clip of him and Cassidy and Olivia on Facebook for the ep that airs on Wednesday, I just can't help wonder how much Barba would have laid into Cassidy and how awesome that would have been to see. I'll do my best to be as nice to Peter Stone as possible given there are people excited about him. But I'm just not. Sorry about that.

The cool spring weather had given way to the rainy, gloomy beginning of summer.  She was kind of glad.  The weather caused everyone to kind of feel how she had been feeling for months – gloomy, a little angry, sullen, etc.  She felt like the rainy days gave her some permission to be a little more brooding than usual. 

 

Noah sighed, looking out the window as he put on his rain jacket.  “Mom, this jacket is so hot!”

 

She rolled her eyes.  “I know, but it’s either that or be soaked by the time we get you to school.”

 

“When is it going to stop raining?  I want to go to soccer practice!”

 

“It’s supposed to stop sometime in the next few days.  We just have to hold on for a few more days, buddy.”

 

“RAIN IS THE WORST!” he yelled, stomping back to his room.  She rolled her shoulders, doing her best not to shoot back a smart-ass remark to her son.  She flipped through the stack of mail she had let build up for a couple of days.  She knew it was mostly junk, but she wanted to make sure.  And there, trapped in the middle, was a lone postcard.  A picture of the Florida Keys on the front.  Her heart stopped for a moment.  She flipped it over.  On the back, in the chicken scratch she knew so well but hadn’t seen in months, was one word.

 

_Hello._

One stupid word brought tears to her eyes.  She ran her fingers over the word, feeling a tiny bit closer to him in that moment. 

 

“Mom?”  She turned to see her son standing there, backpack and rain boots on.  She smiled.

 

“You ok mom?”  She nodded, dropping the postcard into her purse. 

 

“For the moment.  Let’s get you to school.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Lucy” she said, coming in quietly.  Lucy smiled, pushing herself off the couch.  “He have a good night?”

 

Lucy nodded.  “He did his homework, ate all his dinner and ran his butt of at soccer.  He crashed as soon as his head hit the pillow.”  Olivia was glad the rain had finally stopped last week.  “Anything I need to know?” she asked, rolling her shoulders and grabbing a bottle of water out of the frig. 

 

“Other than he spent at least an hour researching Little Havana, no.”  Olivia spun around to find Lucy holding out a postcard to her.  A black and white photo of the area in Miami staring back at her. 

 

“It was in the mail.  I let him carry it up and he was very curious.”  Olivia grabbed it out of her hand, flipping it over.

 

_Thinking of you._

She again found himself tracing the letters with her fingers.  She glanced back up at Lucy, who was nodding.

 

“I figured it was from him, but I told Noah I didn’t know who it was from.  So, you have till the morning to figure out what to tell him.”  Olivia bit her lip. 

 

“Thank you, Lucy” she said quietly.  She just stared at the card as Lucy made her way out the door.

 

* * *

 

“Look, Lieutenant…”

 

She shook her head.  “No, Stone.  Just no.  Don’t.  I can’t believe you are just ignoring this!”

 

“I’m not ignoring but you can’t expect me to…”

 

“Be a human being?  Yeah.  You are right.  My bad.”

 

He narrowed his eyes at her.  “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that and move on.  But you can’t expect me to try to do anything with the very little circumstantial evidence you have here!”

 

She grabbed her glasses off the desk, putting them on and sitting down, staring at her computer screen.  “I expect you to work with the victims.  Not basically tell them ‘come back when you have more evidence on your body’.”

 

“Lieutenant…”

 

She glared at him.  “Unless you have changed your mind, I think we are done here.”  She returned her gaze to her email, refusing to look at him.  He finally took the hint and gathered his things and left.  She dropped her head into her hand, rubbing her eyes. 

 

“Making friends?”  She looked up at Fin standing in her doorway. 

 

“I don’t think he’s going to work out, Fin.”

 

He leaned against her door jam.  “Would anyone, Liv?”

 

She just shrugged.  He pushed himself off the door frame, extending his hand full of mail to her.  “Your daily delivery.  I think the mail guy was scared of the volume so he asked me if he could just leave this with me to give to you.”  He dropped it on her desk and quickly retreated.

 

She angrily flipped through the stack of summons and speaking invitations until she got to the postcard.  The first one delivered here.  The first one in almost two weeks.  She stared at it hard.  A black and white photo of a street in Paris with a silhouette of a couple walking hand in hand on the street toward the Eiffel Tower.  She flipped it over, looking for the words that normally made her heart melt.  But, today, the words there had the opposite effect.

 

_I **really** wish you were here_

 

“Asshole!” she yelled, slamming the card down in the middle of her desk.  She grabbed her purse, phone and keys.  She glowered at the card one last time before marching out of her office, leaving it laying there in the middle of her desk. 

 

“Going to lunch!” she yelled over her shoulder, missing the looks between Carisi and Fin.  The resentment simmered as she hit the street.  She just started walking, trying to force the anger out of her system.  She got about 5 blocks before she stopped short, looking at the business to her left through the window.  She had never noticed it before, but today, she threw open the door and walked in.

 

A young girl smiled at her from the desk.  “Good afternoon.  Welcome to Kickboxers.  Can I help you?”

 

Olivia yanked her wallet out of her purse.  “How long have you all been open?”

 

“About a month.”

 

“Business been good?”

 

The girl nodded.  “Very.”

 

“Good. Sign me up.  I need to hit something.  Hard.  Over and over again.”

 

“You’ve come to the right place, Ms. Benson.”

 

* * *

 

 

Carisi watched his boss walk back in to the squad room about an hour later, seemingly less angry than when she left.  He followed her, at a distance, as she walked back into her office.

 

“Lieu?”

 

He watched her place her stuff down, picking up the small card from the middle of her desk.  He watched as she flipped it over, ran her fingers over the back of the card and gently placed it into her purse.  She took a deep breath, putting on her glasses and sitting down.

 

“Whatcha got, Carisi?”

 

“Something that might finally make Stone happy?”

 

“I don’t think that is possible, but let’s see what it is” she replied, extending her hand out to him.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter. I started and deleted and restarted and deleted again about 5 or 6 times. Hence the delay. The problem is I know where I want the back half of this story to go, but I needed this chapter to get me there. And it was a struggle like I've never really had before. I'm still not convinced this is the best thing I could have produced, but I wanted to get this written and out so I can get a move on with the rest of it.

 

_She leaned against the doorframe, staring at him, lying in bed, eyes closed._

_"I can feel you staring at me" he said, voice still thick with sleep, eyes still closed._

_"I don't care" she replied. He sat up, covers pooling at his waist. He smiled, reaching his hand out toward her._

_"Get back over here." She smiled, walking slowly toward him, reaching her hand out toward his. She could feel the heat coming off of his hand when…_

The buzzing of her phone's alarm woke her up. She shot straight up in bed, looking around the darkened space for a moment, running her hands over her face and into her hair. She shoved the covers down, swinging her legs out of bed.

"Get out of my head, asshole" she muttered to herself, pushing herself out of bed for the day.

* * *

Fall was descending on the city. She had survived the long, hot summer. How, she's not sure, but she managed. She was just finding a way to co-exist with… basically everything and everyone. The dull ache in her chest. His voice in her head. Working with Peter Stone and seeing a foreign name on that door every time she walked into Hogan Place.

She approached the soccer field, watching Noah and his friends run around at the end of practice. She waved at a couple of the moms and walked over to the edge of the field. Her son, smiling, laughing, being a kid – that was her joy. Her life. She wished he were here to see it, to see him like this, to see a kid living and breathing and having life. Maybe it would help him. She gripped her phone hard in her hand. Nothing. Nothing since the post cards had stopped over the summer. She was angry at first. How dare he reach out and make her think he was finally ready and then just disappear again. She wanted to punch him. Hard. So, she pretended her punching bag was him. She hit hard and she hit for a long time. It was cathartic and it had the added bonus of helping her get back in some shape. Not that she was out of shape, but people had noticed she seemed leaner, stronger.

"I swear, I'm totally coming to that kickboxing place with you next week" Alice said, sliding up next to her. The mom of Noah's best friend could always make her smile.

"I keep telling you any time."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thought I was bringing Noah home for you."

Olivia shrugged. "We got done early and I decided to make a run for it before my phone rang again. So, how has practice…" but she trailed off when a loud string of Spanish erupted from behind her. She whipped around to see a man with dark hair, in a t-shirt and khakis holding a bottle out in front of him. For a moment, she saw him there, screaming at the soda that had just exploded in his hand. But the moment was broken when he turned around, foreign brown eyes catching hers for a moment. He smiled at her and she turned back to the field.

Alice smirked at her. She slid her eyes over to her friend. "What?"

"That's Michael. His son is Drew, the goal keeper. Usually Drew's mom, his ex, is here, but it must be his night for pickup I guess… you wanna…" Alice hooked her thumb over her shoulder and Olivia shook her head.

"Nope. Don't even think about it. I was thrown by the Spanish expletives. I haven't heard that in…" She stopped, not finishing the sentence, just staring off across the field, not really focusing on anything.

"Liv."

"Don't start."

"He's staring at you."

"No."

"Liv, how about just a hi. There's no harm in…"

"Alice. No. We've talked about this."

"I hate seeing you sad."

"Then stop looking. And I'm not sad all the time. Sometimes I'm just really pissed off. Or asleep."

"Liv."

"Alice. I'm surviving, ok. I miss him, I'm probably a little bit in love with him, I'm super mad about that and he's not here for me to yell at and that poor man back there has no desire to deal with the mess that is me. Please don't do anything."

She felt her friend rest her hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry he's not here, Liv. He's a fool."

"Sometimes, but he's also an amazing man who says beautiful things to me, things I can't get out of my head. He's in my head. He told me he was me, but I'm also him. I hope I get to tell him that someday."

"You will."

They watched the team do their final team chant as practice finished up. "Promise me, Alice."

Her friend nodded. "I promise. Better get that smile on. Here comes Noah." And Olivia slapped a smile on her face and turned toward her son as he ran toward her.

* * *

"Plans this weekend?" Fin asked as Olivia turned off the light to her office. The other two detectives looked up at her.

"Not really. Noah's last soccer tournament is Saturday. Brunch on Sunday with Lucia. That's about it."

"Sounds like last weekend."

"Don't start with me Fin."

"I'm not, Liv. Just checking in."

"I'm fine. Drop it. Have a good weekend you all." And with that, she was gone.

Amanda glared at him from her desk. "Are you serious?"

Fin shrugged. "What?"

"You know what. You aren't dumb, Fin."

"Look, Amanda, I'm just…"

"Just let her be! All you are going to do by bringing it up is piss her off. And with as much kickboxing as she's been doing over the last few months, she will hand you your ass before you know what happened. Back me up here, Carisi."

"Hell no. I'm not in this."

"Chicken" she shot across at him.

"She's mourning him like he died, Amanda."

"And maybe that's what it feels like to her, Fin! He might as well be. It's not like anyone has heard from him, right?" Fin shook his head and Amanda looked across at her partner, who was staring very intently at his paperwork.

"Carisi?" He glanced up at her. "You've heard from him?"

Carisi sighed. "Once. I got one email. Someone had reached out to him about a job and he forwarded it to me. I didn't even get it right away because the email went to my junk folder. I saw it last week and he sent it like two weeks before that. I replied, asking him how he was and I haven't heard anything."

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

"I'm not suicidal!"

"Why are you two acting like she will fall apart if you tell her he sent you basically a headhunter's email?" Fin yelled at them.

Amanda rolled her eyes at him. "Because she's nursing a broken heart, numbnuts!"

Fin leaned back, giving her a perplexed look. "No, she's not." Amanda just continued to stare at him. "She's…" he trailed off, looking at the ceiling as things suddenly clicked into place in his head. "Well, damn."

"There you go. Way to catch up Fin" Amanda replied, throwing her hands up in the air. "So, maybe drop it. Unless you want your ass kicked by her."

* * *

Olivia collapsed into the chair at the kitchen table, reflecting for a moment. She felt like she had just been making fall break plans and now they had finished cleaning up from Thanksgiving dinner at Lucia's. Olivia was glad to have spent the holiday here instead of just with her and Noah in her apartment. It may have been a small party, just her and Noah and Lucia and Rita, but it was a night of food and laughter and just being with others. Distraction helped. Being alone with her thoughts was a bad thing.

"Another glass of wine?" she heard Rita ask her from across the kitchen. Olivia started to decline when Lucia breezed back in.

"Have another, Olivia. Noah is almost asleep on the couch. You two are more than welcome to stay the night." Olivia just shrugged and nodded. She had discovered quickly that Lucia usually got her way.

Rita poured three glasses of the wine and the women all sat at the table together, sipping their wine.

Olivia cleared her throat. "Thank you so much for dinner, Lucia. I can't believe Noah ate that much."

"Growing boys. It's nice to have that in this house again. I have leftovers packed up for you take home tomorrow." And the silence descended on them again as her words hit them all. The empty chair at the table might as well have been a memorial to the missing man. All three of them were feeling it in different ways. Maybe it's why they had all agreed to come together on this day – to be with others who just understood. Carisi and Amanda had both offered but she was glad to be able to decline in lieu of spending the day with Lucia at her home.

Rita growled. "OK. This is some bullshit."

"Rita!"

"Sorry, Lucia, but your son is an asshole. There. It needed to be said and I said it."

"Here here" Olivia said, raising her glass in agreement.

Rita clinked her glass. "He's the one missing out on all this fabulousness. Why are we sitting here all mopey and shit while he's probably reading a book on the beach and sleeping in!?"

"You don't know that's what he's doing" Lucia shot back.

"Do you?" Olivia asked. Lucia slowly shook her head no.

"For all we know he's having a great Thanksgiving dinner with a group of fabulous people while we sit here mourning HIM even though he walked out on all of us!" Rita spit out angrily.

"What do you want to do?" Olivia asked.

"One of my partners has a cabin upstate. I say we get the hell out of this house and this city for Christmas. He usually takes his family south so it will be empty. I say we have a kickass Christmas and we don't let the fact that Rafa refuses to shake himself out of this funk and spend the holidays with the people that love him ruin another holiday. Deal?" Olivia immediately agreed.

They both looked at Lucia. She glanced back and forth between the two younger women and finally sighed. "Ok. Fine. I agree."

"To what?" Rita asked slowly, leaning back in her chair.

"All of it. Christmas at the cabin. That he's an asshole." Lucia calling her only child an asshole made Olivia and Rita laugh hysterically until they were crying. Lucia soon joined in and they were all laughing. Lucia finally started to shush them when she heard Noah stir in the living room.

"Thank you for coming, girls. I think we should make this a tradition." And the three women clinked their glasses together again, agreeing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An update! Don't hate me when you are done... the payoff is coming. I promise.

“She sure took her sweet time getting here today” Olivia said, looking out the window.  It was Christmas Eve.  Olivia, Lucia and Noah had arrived first thing this morning to find the cabin Rita had procured for them decked to the nines for a Christmas celebration.  Noah ran from room to room, yelling about all the decorations and the three different Christmas trees that were scattered around the house.  He was currently in the giant media room, watching Elf for the second time since they had gotten here, only taking a break for lunch made by Lucia.  Rita had texted Lucia to tell her she was getting a late start and had finally arrived in the middle of the afternoon.

 

Rita parked her car and got out, waving at them in the window.  “A little help here!” she yelled.  Olivia rolled her eyes and opened the front door as Rita popped the trunk on her car.  Olivia walked around the car to see a packed trunk.

 

“Rita, you realize we are only here for 3 days, right?”

 

“Not all of us have been trained to pack in a go bag, Olivia.”

 

“You always this funny on the holidays?”

 

“Girls, let’s just get this car unloaded, ok?”  Lucia Barba – the voice of reason.  The three of them had begun to spend so much time together, it was starting to feel like a dysfunctional little family with them.  They moved back and forth between the car and the house, bringing in bags of food and suitcases.  Once the trunk was emptied, Olivia looked in the back seat to see a large package. 

 

“Does that need to come in?”

 

Rita nodded.  “Those are the reason I had a late start.  My assistant called to tell me I had to come in to the office to get this box before I left.  I guess the delivery guy was kind of insistent that I have it for Christmas.”  Olivia grabbed the box and deposited it under the tree, leaving it for later. 

 

* * *

 

 

They spent the day drinking and eating and by 9 PM, Noah was passed out cold in bed while they all sat around the large living room, only lit but the large Christmas tree. 

 

Olivia nodded toward the packages.  “So, Rita.  Who is that from?”

 

Rita shrugged, pushing herself over to where Olivia had put them under the tree.  “No idea.  I was so irritated I had to even go down to my offices, I just had my assistant bring it out and throw it in the back seat.”  She ripped the tape off the box and opened, reaching in and plucking out an envelope.  “There are 4 wrapped packages in there.”  She ripped open the envelope and pulled out the paper, reading it quickly, eyes wide.  Lucia narrowed her eyes at Rita, pushing herself out of her chair and plucking the paper from her hands, reading it herself and sighing.  She crossed to where Olivia was sitting and handed her the paper.  Olivia took it from Lucia and read it, her breath stopping.

 

_For my three favorite women (and one favorite guy) on this Christmas_

 

No signature.  Not that she needed it.  She would know that chicken scratch anywhere. 

 

“Have I called him an asshole recently?” Olivia muttered.

 

“Nope” replied Rita.  Lucia leaned against the wall, looking out the window into the darkness of the night. 

 

“I’m sorry Lucia” Olivia said, sighing.  “I didn’t…” but Lucia waved her off. 

 

“It’s fine” she replied, never looking back at them.  “My son… I don’t even pretend to understand his decision-making process anymore.  His brain… I just can’t comprehend how he chooses to work through stuff.  Needless to say, I do NOT agree with this distance and silence he’s been giving all of us.  I get he needed time to get his head straight, but it is starting to feel…”

 

“A bit self-indulgent?” Rita said, finishing her sentence.  They all just nodded.  Rita pulled the packages out, placing them in front of her. 

 

“So…. Do you all want to open these?” Rita asked.  They all looked back and forth between each other.  “I mean, Noah can open his in the morning but…”  Lucia walked over and picked them up, handing the packages with their names on it to Rita and Olivia.  They just watched her walk back over to her chair, sit down and rip the package open.  She smiled at the gift in her hands, turning it around for them to see a beautiful watercolor painting. 

 

“It is Havana” Lucia said.  She flipped it back around, staring at it.  “I miss my son.  I miss having him here to tell me I’m working too much or not sleeping enough or how I need to retire.”  She wiped her eyes. 

 

Rita ripped open her package next.  She opened the box and pulled out several beautifully made silk scarves, in various colors and patterns.  She ran them through her fingers.  “I miss my friend.  He is the only other lawyer in the city that I even care to talk to or spend time with.  I wish he was here to tell me that defense attorneys are the worst.  Or to make fun of me buying another pair of shoes.  And I would make fun of his socks.  Anything.”

 

Olivia bit her lip, looking at the small box sitting in front of her.  She opened it slowly, revealing a long velvet box.  Opening that, she found a beautiful, but delicate necklace and matching bracelet.  She ran her fingers over them, showing them to Rita and Lucia.  She plucked the necklace out of the box, quickly putting it on.  She placed her hand over it, resting on her neck. 

 

“I wish he was here for me to…” she paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. 

 

“What is it, dear?” Lucia asked. 

 

Olivia exhaled, opening her eyes to the two women who had become two of her closest confidants.  “I’m thinking about retiring.”

 

Their eyes went wide.  “What?” Rita asked. 

 

Olivia nodded.  “Yeah.  I’ve had the paperwork sitting in my desk for months.  Then one day, I put it in my bag.  I looked at it every night.  About a month ago, I filled out the first page.  I kind of did a little bit at a time until… well, all that’s left is my signature and for me to file it down at 1PP.”

 

“Are you sure about this?” Lucia asked. 

 

Olivia shook her head violently.  “Not at all.  I need him here.  I need his ear and his advice and his shoulder and to know if…”

 

“If you retire, that the two of you could…” Rita said, trailing off as the room dropped into silence.

 

Rita moved across the room, dropping on to the couch next to Olivia.  “Do you remember what I told you all those months ago?”  Olivia nodded, tears filling her eyes.  “I still believe that.”

 

“Then why is he not back, Rita?  It’s been months.  When was the last time either of you have heard from him?”

 

“Halloween” Lucia replied.  She sighed, running her hand through her hair.  “Olivia, Rita and I will be here for you.  For whatever you decide to do and whenever you decide to do it.  So will he, whenever he decides to crawl out of his hole.”  Olivia nodded. 

 

“Rafael made his choice, without consulting any of us.  We need to make ours without worrying about him.  All of us.”  Lucia Barba – the voice of reason.  There were days she was exactly what Liv and Rita needed. 

 

“Ladies, we are going to stop this pity party right now.  There is a little boy upstairs who is going to be up very early to open gifts and I plan to make us all a large breakfast.  We all need to get some sleep and have a very Merry Christmas.  Just like Thanksgiving, it is his choice to miss this.  His.  Not ours.”  Lucia pushed herself out of the chair, walking over to them and extending her hands to them.  They both grabbed one and she pulled them both into a hug. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lucia turned off the lamp in her living room, turning off whichever New Years’ Eve celebration they had left on when Noah had fallen asleep.  He had gotten so close, his eyes finally falling shut at 11:15.  Olivia had carried him up to bed, bidding Lucia a good night.  They had called her in the morning, almost begging to come to her house that day.  Between the good weather and the long weekend just about everyone seemed to have, Manhattan was crazier than usually on New Years’.  They wanted to get away from the crowd and Olivia had shown up an hour after calling, duffle bag in hand, ready to spend the night. 

 

She walked into the entry, moving to head upstairs herself, pausing to look at the painting of Havana hanging in the small hallway, running her fingers lightly over it.  Christmas had come and gone without a word from her son, except for the letter in the gifts.  Noah had about exploded when he opened the large Lego set, insisting on playing with it immediately.  She hadn’t seen Olivia without the necklace and bracelet on since she had opened it a week earlier.  She was trying to have grace with her son, but Olivia was struggling with her decision about retirement.  Lucia had done her best.  Rita had done her best.  Rita had even gotten Olivia’s sergeant involved, finally forcing Olivia to talk to him.  But she was still on the fence.  Lucia’s heart hurt for her.  For all of them.  And for her son.  The circumstances that had made him feel like he had to run away from it all felt so long ago.  They all just wanted him back. 

 

Lucia made the turn to start to climb her stairs when a movement out her front window caught her eye.  She paused, thinking maybe she had imagined it, but she hadn’t when she noticed a figure moving on the sidewalk in front of the house, slowly walking toward the front door.  She was about to scream for Olivia as she pulled back the curtain, but she froze, not really believing what she was seeing.  She threw open her front door, willing herself to not be dreaming. 

 

“Hey mom” said Rafael, wrapping his arms around her.                                                                                                                                                                                             


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But first, Rafael and Lucia.

Lucia sat in the chair at her small kitchen table, still a little shell shocked.  She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking if she could wish her son into existence at her front door, maybe she could also wish away her credit card debt and wish about a million more dollars into her school account. 

 

“Mom, did you want some coffee?”

 

She snapped her eyes open, looking at the clock over the sink.  “Rafi, it’s after midnight!”  He also looked up at the clock, putting the coffee pot back on the reserve.  “Oh.  It is.  Happy New Year, mom.”  He grabbed a bottle of water out of her frig and sat down across from her.  She reached out, placing her hand on top of his. 

 

He sighed, leaning on his free hand, smiling at his mother.  “You have questions.”

 

“So many I don’t even know where to start.  Are you back?”

 

He shrugged.  “Possibly.  I haven’t decided for sure, but…”  Lucia narrowed her eyes at her son.  “I’ve been in town for a few days, ok.”

 

“Where have you been staying?”

 

“Some Marriott in midtown.  Courtyard.  Extended stay.  Not sure anymore.  I’ve been in so many hotels over the last few months I’ve lost track of all the different ones.”

 

“So, where in the hell have you been?!?”  That may have come out a little bit harsher than she had planned, but then again, maybe not.  He leaned back, crossing his arms. 

 

“Mom, I know I just kind of disappeared…”

 

“KIND OF!?!”

 

“Ok.  I just disappeared.  And I’m sorry about that.  But I knew Rita would make sure you were ok.”

 

“And Olivia.”

 

His eyes went wide.  “So, you two have been…”  Lucia just stared at her son.  He got no answers to his questions till she got some of her own.

 

He cleared his throat after a moment.  “I am sorry about the disappearing act.  After that fight we had… I knew I needed some space and I thought you did too.  My head… well, I wasn’t in a great place.  Even before Drew.  But it just brought up… a lot of stuff.”

 

Lucia dropped her head in her hands.  “I shouldn’t have dropped all that stuff with your father in your lap, Rafi.  He had been gone for so long that I never thought about him anymore.  Then, I got that call from the hospital and I just… I couldn’t.  I thought if I did it would drag me back down.  I am sorry about that.”

 

He shrugged.  “Can’t change the past, Mom.  It is what it is.  And I’m not trying to give you excuses.  I’m really not.  I’m not looking of absolution from you.  Or from anyone.  It took me a long time to make my peace with what had happened and why I did what I did, not just with Drew but with dad too.”

 

She looked back up at her son.  And she really looked at him.  Hair shaggy and grayer than she was used to.  When he styled it, he could hide the gray.  But this unkempt look brought it all out.  The well-groomed stubble on his face filled with hints of gray too.  His eyes looked less tired.  His demeanor seemed more relaxed.  Considering the last time she had laid eyes on him, she had said some awful things to him. Things that she knew, even as she was saying them, she didn’t mean.  But she said them in the heat of the moment.  And he gave her a kiss on the cheek, tears in his eyes and he left.  She thought it would just be for a few days.  But it wasn’t.  He was gone.  Until tonight.  Tonight, he was home.  And she needed to make sure he would stay. 

 

“You look like your break did you some good.  Other than needing a haircut, you look good.”  He smiled, running his hand through his hair.  He glanced up at the clock and then back at her.

 

“Took you longer than I thought to mention the hair.  I would have lost that bet.”  She returned his smile. 

 

“OK.  We can sit here all-night rehashing what you have been doing.  But, you are right.  We can’t change the past.  I guess my question is now what?”

 

He shrugged.  “I’ve got some options.  Columbia has been asking me for months to come on staff in the law school.  Dworkin, for the clown that he is, can be a hell of a lawyer.  He hooked me up with an agent friend of his and they have been shopping my story for a book deal.  A couple of publishers in the city are interested.  There could be a lecture tour if it gets published and people want to hear more.”

 

“You won’t go back to practicing?”

 

“Mom, I’m not sure right now.  I felt so constrained by the law at the end.  When I got into law school, I never imagined feeling like that.  It was black and white.  What was written was what was to be.  But then, I moved to Manhattan.  Got assigned to SVU and…”

 

Lucia’s eyes went wide.  “Olivia” she whispered. 

 

He nodded.  “Yeah.  She got into my head, no matter how hard I fought it and…”

 

Lucia shook her head hard.  “No.  No.  Rafi.  She’s here.”  His eyes went wide and she would swear that, for a moment, he stopped breathing. 

 

“She’s here?  What…”  his voice asked, barely above a whisper. 

 

Lucia glanced up at the ceiling.  “They…”

 

“THEY?” he asked.

 

“Olivia and Noah.  They… they didn’t want to stay in the city tonight.  She said the streets were crazy and it was loud already first thing this morning because of the weather and the long weekend.  She called and asked if they could come here and stay the night.  Noah fell asleep right after 11 and Olivia took him upstairs.  I would imagine she crashed too.”

 

He stood up, not staying a word, also glancing toward the ceiling.  He rested his hand on his mother’s shoulder and walked out of the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

He glanced at the steps, doing his best to remember which ones creaked the loudest.  He did his best to make his way upstairs as quietly as possible.  He glanced to his left – his mother’s bedroom.  To his right was his mother’s home office and the bathroom.  But at the end of the short hall was, what had, once upon a time, been his room.  The door was slightly open.  He smiled.  It always got so hot in there if you closed the door all the way.  The light from the top of the stairs gave him just enough visibility.  He hugged the wall, remembering how he would use that technique to sneak out with Alex and Eddie when they were in high school.  He reached the end of the hall in just a few steps and pushed open the door just a little bit more so he could see in the room.  Tears immediately sprung to his eyes when he did. 

 

There, in a deep sleep, were Olivia and Noah, sharing the bed that was in what his mother still called his room, even though he hadn’t slept in that room in over 30 years.  He stared at the little boy, who didn’t seem so little anymore.  His heart stopped when he saw Eddie the Elephant in his grasp.  His eyes landed on Olivia.  He thought the memory of her, standing on the sidewalk with him that day, was the most perfect one he would ever have of her.  He wasn’t sure, when he walked away, if or when he would ever see her again.  But, he would have never imagined his scenario – her, asleep, in his childhood bedroom.  The feeling that was in the pit of his stomach whenever he thought of her or found an article about her online bloomed fully in his heart staring at her asleep.  He stopped fighting it months ago.  It was love.  He knew it.  He had never felt it like this before but he knew without a doubt, what it was.  He loved her and her son.  Seeing them in person for the first time in almost a year just cemented that.  He knew it long before he walked away from her on that cold February day.  But, once he stopped fighting it, he felt free.  He doesn’t even remember what beach he was on anymore.  He just stopped, looking at the ocean, and realized the love of his life is Olivia Benson.  And always would be.  Once he made his peace with that, he could do the rest of the work he needed to try to get back to her and Noah.  If they would still have him.  That was the question mark.  They were here in his childhood home but being there for Lucia and accepting him after he just disappeared for almost a year were two very different things.  He was about to step into the room when he froze, fear suddenly taking over his brain.  The fear of rejection, of loss, of hatred – it stopped him dead in his tracks. 

 

So, he moved backwards.  He soon found himself standing back in the kitchen, his mother staring at him. 

 

Lucia looked over her shoulder and listened.  “Is… what… wait, where’s Olivia?  Did you not find her?  The house isn’t that big!”

 

He shook his head.  “No.  I didn’t want to wake her.  Or Noah.”

 

Lucia stood up.  “No.  You can’t… RAFAEL!”

 

“Shhh.  Mom.  Please.  She just… they were… I couldn’t.  Not yet.  Mom.  Please.”

 

“Well if you can’t, I can.  I’m going to go up there and…” He grabbed his mother’s arm as she tried to walk around him. 

 

“Mom.  Wait.  Please.”

 

She turned back toward him.  “Rafael, she deserves to know…”

 

“No.  She does.  But not in the middle of the night.  Not like this.  Please mom.  You have to promise me you won’t tell her I was here.  I will be in touch.  Soon.”

 

“How soon?  You can’t ask me to do this to her, mijo!”

 

He pulled out his wallet, dropping a business card on to her table.  “Mom.  Just give me… two days.  That’s all.  If she hasn’t heard from me in two days, you can rat me out.  Ok?”

 

Lucia stared at her son.  “You have lost your damn mind, Rafael.”

 

“Is that a yes?”

 

She nodded, against her better judgment.  Doing that felt wrong.  He gave her a sad smile, pressing a kiss to her cheek, like he did the day they fought.  “Thanks mom.  I promise.  I just need a couple more days and then I will go her to.  I promise.”

 

“You aren’t leaving again?”

 

“For tonight, yes.  I’m going to go.  I’ve kept you up long enough.  But I promise I will be back.  Just give me a couple of days.  OK?”

 

She just nodded.  She desperately wanted to keep him close, for him to not run again.  Agreeing to his ludicrous terms felt like the best way to keep him near her.  She walked him to the door, hugging him tightly before he opened the door. 

 

“I love you mom.”

 

“I love you too, Rafael.”

 

He let her go.  “I’ll see you soon.  I promise.”  With that, he pulled the door closed behind him.  He walked to his car parked a few houses down.  He got in and watched and waited until she turned out the lights to head upstairs before he put the car in drive and took off.

 

* * *

 

 

Olivia slowly and quietly extracted her from Noah’s side, grabbing her phone to see the time.  Just shy of 7:30 AM.  She needed coffee.  The perks of being at Lucia’s – the good, strong coffee.  She smiled, thinking that her son had gotten his love for coffee honest. 

 

She walked quietly downstairs and turned into the kitchen, seeing Lucia already sitting there, staring at her coffee cup intently.

 

“I didn’t wake you, did I Olivia?”  Liv shook her head.  “No, not at all.”  Olivia poured some coffee and turned to look at Lucia. 

 

“You sleep alright, Lucia?  You look tired.”

 

She barked out a laugh.  “Yeah, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

 

Olivia sat down across from Lucia and she wanted to laugh and cry – it was exactly where her son had sat not even 8 hours earlier.  Olivia looked at the small card Lucia was sliding back and forth in front of her. 

 

“What’s that?” Olivia asked, nodding at the card.  Lucia looked down at it and Liv watched as war waged across her face for a few moments.

 

“Lucia?”  Olivia leaned her elbows on the table.

 

Lucia sighed loudly.  “Oh screw him.  He should really know better!”

 

Confusion crossed Olivia’s face.  “Lucia?”  


Lucia slid the card across to Olivia.  She picked up it, looking at the address for a Marriott in midtown.  Olivia looked up at the older woman across from her. 

 

Lucia rested her head on her closed fist, exhaling.  “Rafael was here last night.  That’s where he is staying.”

 

Olivia froze.  The words coming out of Lucia’s were not computing in her brain.  “I’m sorry.  I need to repeat all of that.  Please.”

 

Lucia nodded.  “Rafael was here last night.  Why?  I have no idea, but he was.  We talked.  I told him you and Noah were here.  He went upstairs but he said he didn’t want to wake you up.  He gave me this card, told me where he was staying and left.  He also asked me not to tell you he was here.  He said he needed a couple of days.”    


The anger rolled over Olivia in a split second.  She pushed herself out of the chair, pacing the small kitchen. 

 

“WHAT THE HELL!?!” she yelled at no one in particular.  She stopped, staring at Lucia with wide eyes.  “What am I supposed to do with that?!?”

 

Lucia glanced down at Olivia’s hand, where she was still holding the card to the hotel.  She pointed at it.  “You go.  You go there, right now.  You yell at him, punch him, kiss him – whatever.  He doesn’t get to dictate the terms.  Not anymore.  We do what we want, remember?  He doesn’t ruin holidays, remember?”

 

Olivia took two steps toward the exit of the kitchen and paused.  “Noah…”

 

Lucia waved her off.  “I’ll keep him.  He can go shopping and out to lunch with me.  I’ll keep him entertained.  You go, Olivia.  Make sure my son stays home for good.  Please.”  Olivia gave her a resolute nod and ran upstairs. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this chapter for almost a week. And I have 3300 words in one chapter to show for it. this one was hard and I've read it a million times. Enjoy

He tossed the towel on the bed, looking around his hotel room.  Deluxe suite, as the girl at check in had called it when he got here. Basically, that just meant a small couch and tiny “kitchenette” in an alcove off the bedroom.  He had been living in places like this for almost a year and it had never bothered him.  Till last night.  Till he stood in his childhood home, smelling the smells of home and his mother. Seeing Olivia and Noah so comfortable he could have cried.  And almost did.  He glanced at himself in the mirror.  The guy he had been running away from was long gone.  He liked he who was now.  He felt who he was now is someone others would want to be around.  He was making better choices.  Better decisions.  Except for one.

 

He nodded at himself. He knew he made a mistake driving away from his mother’s last night the moment he rounded the corner away from the house.  His heart pounded in his chest and his brain was screaming at him to turn around, to go back, to wake her up and beg.  But he just kept driving away.  He didn’t need the two days his mother had promised him.  He didn’t even need two more hours.  He glanced at the clock.  8:15 am.  New Years’ Day.  He knew he needed to make amends and fix everything.  And he needed to do it now.  He would only feel complete when he finally did that to her, for her, to her face. He moved to grab his wallet, phone and keys, but the pounding on the door stopped him in his tracks.

 

* * *

 

She could feel the reverberations from the door down her arm.  That’s how hard she was hitting it.  She didn’t even feel a little sorry about scaring the poor guy at reception when she slammed her badge down on the desk, demanding his room number. 

 

“I know you are in there!” she yelled through the door, pounding it again with her fist.  She paused for a moment, waiting and hearing nothing.  She raised her arm again when she heard the lock click.  The door opened and they stood there, face to face, for the first time in almost a year. 

 

“You are going to wake the whole floor up, Liv” he said.  She glared at him, pushing past him into the room.  He sighed, closing the door, not moving.  He just watched as she paced around the small bedroom area by the window. 

 

“My mother is the worst at keeping secrets.”

 

She whipped her head around. “Don’t EVEN try to blame her for ANYTHING you pompous, self-centered, selfish asshole!”

 

“Been waiting to say that for a while?”

 

“You have no idea!” She turned her back to him, staring out the window.  He ran his eyes over her, drinking in every aspect of her being.  He knew he missed her.  But he didn’t realize just how deep that ran till he had her in front of him again. Seeing her every day had been a constant for 6 years.  He didn’t realize how much her presence could affect him and who he was.  Who he is. 

 

“Stop staring at me” she growled out.  He closed his eyes, leaning against the wall by the door.  He was afraid to move any closer.  She looked stronger and leaner than when he left.  He knew she could kick his ass before, but not he was convinced she could actually kill him if she wanted to.  And she probably had every reason to want to do just that. 

 

“Liv…”

 

“NO!  You don’t speak.”  He opened his eyes to find her staring at him from across the room.  He nodded, snapping his lips shut. 

 

She stared at him.  He was the same, but so different at the same time.  He looked like he left whatever was weighing him down behind him somewhere over the last year.  He looked happier, healthier, more at peace with himself.  It made her want to cry – that job had been holding him down and making him so unhappy.  He deserved so much happiness.  She knew that.  She was struggling to stay angry.  Rita could be so angry about him and at him all the time, it seemed.  And she wanted to be.  So desperately.  She thought maybe anger would make her feel better about him being gone – like they were all better off without him around.  But they weren’t.  She was better with him in her life.  But he seemed better for having been gone. 

 

“You just left” she whispered, staring at him still.  He nodded. She waved her hand.  “You can speak.”

 

“I know, Liv.  I had to.”

 

“And you had to radio silent for almost a year?”

 

“I didn’t know what to say.”

 

“You didn’t seem to be lost for words outside the courthouse last February.” He nodded again.  “I meant every single one of those words, Liv. I still do.”

 

“Then how could you just leave?  So many times, I had to stop myself from walking over to that office or picking up the phone to talk to you about…”  He cocked his head to the side.

 

“About what, Liv?” She shook her head.  “You probably wouldn’t even care.”

 

“Don’t say that” he replied, taking a step toward her.

 

“NO” she yelled, stopping him in his tracks.  “You stay over there.”

 

“You can talk to me, Liv. Always.”

 

“Not when you don’t answer the phone, ass!”

 

He nodded.  “I know, Liv.  I’m sorry.  I am. I didn’t think…”

 

“You sure as hell didn’t!” She turned back to the window, crossing her arms.  He pulled out the chair from the desk and sat down.  “You didn’t deserve the silent treatment, Liv.  I know that.  And whether you believe me or not, I’ve known that since the moment I left.  But I always convinced myself that you didn’t want to or need to talk to me.  That you would just cuss me out and hang up the phone if I called.  I couldn’t bear the thought of you hating me so much.”

 

“I don’t hate you. Trust me, I tried so hard for so long. But Rita cornered that market a long time ago.”  She turned her head toward him slightly as she spoke

 

“She’s next on my apology tour.  You were first.  I was getting ready to leave and come find you when you made the poor guy at the front desk probably pee himself in fear.”  She gave him a slight smile and he felt his own fear start to dissipate. There was a tiny glimmer of hope and he planned to run with it.  “Talk to me.”

 

She turned back to him, leaning against the small window sill.  “Fine.  I’m thinking about retiring.”

 

His eyes got wide. “What?”

 

She nodded. “Yeah.  I’ve had the paperwork for months.  Filled it out a little at a time.  The last page sat blank for weeks.  But I signed it yesterday morning before we left for your mom’s house.  Now it’s just sitting there, waiting to be filed or shredded.  And I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been battling this for months while you have been jet setting across wherever getting tan and rested.”

 

“I wouldn’t say I’ve been jet setting, Liv.”

 

“Then what the hell have you been doing that kept you gone and barely speaking to anyone for almost a year?!?”  He knew it was a fair question, one he was going to have to answer again and again for a while.  At least she didn’t cuss at him while asking.  He knew he wouldn’t be so lucky when he finally came face to face with Rita Calhoun.

 

“Honestly?”

 

“Please!”

 

He leaned back in the chair. “For a long time, penance.  The guilt over Drew, even though his parents actually thanked me… I had to do something to make up for what I did.  I spent a lot of time volunteering. Working in some really terrible places, here and abroad.  I did meet some good and generous people who helped me out with traveling and lodging, I won’t lie about that.  But for every nice thing someone did for me, I tried to pay it forward ten-fold.  It felt wrong to stay in suites or nice apartments when the ghost of that baby followed me around every day.  But then, one day, I was grabbing a coffee in downtown New Orleans, probably about three months ago, when I turned around to see Aaron Householder sitting there, staring at me like I was a ghost.  I froze.  Until he waved me over.  We must have sat there and talked for two hours.  I don’t really remember everything we talked about.  He cried.  I cried.  We laughed. I asked him if he wanted to punch me. He said no.”

 

“I don’t recommend asking me the same question.”

 

“Duly noted.  Anyway, he asked me about what I had been doing and I stayed vague.  He asked me if I was ever going back and I said I wasn’t sure.  And this moment I will remember for the rest of my life. He told me ‘Look.  Maggie and I spent so long in the dark hole with Drew, we barely remembered what a life looked like.  My son may not have been much, but he was here and he was mine and I know in the depth of my soul that he would have wanted everyone who ever met him to live their best life possible.  Don’t let his death keep you from living your life, Mr. Barba.  He forgives you and so do I.’  And that’s when I knew.”

 

“Knew what?” she whispered, wiping a tear off her face.

 

“That I had to get back here.  That my life needed to be lived again.  That I needed to face my demons head on and beat them.  And this city, this place, the people that think they know me and why I did what I did… well, I knew I just needed to jump back in.  So, I finished up what I was in the middle of and started making plans to come back.”

 

She nodded, closing her eyes, fiddling with the necklace she wore.  He recognized it immediately.

 

“I’m glad you liked it.” She opened her eyes and for the first time, seemed to soften a little toward him. 

 

“You’ll be lucky if Rita doesn’t strangle you with the scarves.”

 

“I know.” 

 

She cocked her head to the side, still playing with the chain around her neck.  “So, if you hadn’t run into Aaron Householder, would you be sitting here right now?”

 

“Right now?  Probably not.  Would I have eventually ended up back here?  Yes.  You have to believe me.  I thought about this… all of this… every day.  A day didn’t go by where I didn’t think about my mother, the city… you and Noah.”

 

“I’m conflicted right now.”

 

“About what?”

 

“Half of me wants to break your nose and the other wants to hug you.”

 

“Do I get a vote? Because I do have a preference.”

 

“Here’s the thing.  If you get up from that chair and come over here, you won’t be able to leave again.  I will not let you.  So, if you aren’t back, then you need to just stay there.”

 

“Liv, I know if I come over there, I won’t be able to leave again.  It was hard enough to let you go last winter.  I’m not a strong enough man to do it again.”

 

“Those are some pretty words, Counselor.”  He smiled at her playful tone. 

 

“It’s what I’m known for. What would you like me to do, Lieutenant?” 

 

He stared at her and she returned his gaze.  He watched as she pushed herself off the window sill, standing up, motioning him to walk over to her with a crook of a finger.  He moved slowly, giving her every chance to back out, to tell him to go to hell, to push past him and leave this room and walk away from him for good. He paused as he was finally near her, giving her one last chance to stop him.  But, she threw her arms around his shoulders, pulling him the rest of the distance.  He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly and feeling some peace as she melted into his embrace.  He thought he felt like he was home last night, standing in the kitchen with his mother. And he did.  But this moment, here with her, made that final piece slide into place.  How he thought he would ever be able stay away from here, away from her, he would never be able to answer. 

 

She pulled back just a breath, so he could see her face.  Her forearms rested on his shoulders, but she stayed pressed against him. 

 

“I missed you” she whispered. 

 

“Dear God, Olivia, me too. So much.  I know a lot of words, but I don’t know enough words to convey how much I missed you.  And Noah. I thought about him every day too.”

 

“He will be glad to hear that.”

 

“Where is he?”

 

“With your mom.  She told me to come here and get her son and she would take care of mine.”

 

He smirked.  “That sounds like her.  How exactly were you supposed to get me?”

 

“Through whatever means necessary.”

 

“Sounds ominous.”

 

Olivia shrugged. “Does it?  I feel like that could be interpreted in many different ways.” Before he could respond, she lightly pressed her lips to his.  It was so unexpected, he wasn’t even sure how to act before she pulled back.  He felt her tense up, like she was about to bolt, so he tightened his arms around her. 

 

“Liv…”

 

“I’m sorry.  I thought…” but she didn’t get to finish as he pressed his lips back to hers, responding in the way he original should have. She moaned as he swiped his tongue against hers, wrapping herself around him as much as she could.  Before she knew it, her back slammed into the wall behind her, his hands on her lower back, under shirt.  He pressed himself against her fully and she moaned louder, wrapping her right leg around him slightly.  He pulled back, breathing heavily, staring at her.  She let herself finally give in to what she had been feeling since he left, if not longer… love.  She loved him.  That feeling washed over her as his fingertips danced lightly on her back. 

 

He cleared his throat. “Look… I know we need to talk. More.  About so much.  And we can pull back and do that right now or…”  
  


“Or?” she asked, using her leg to leverage him closer. 

 

“Or I can take you hard and fast right here against the wall because I’m not sure I can wait even long enough to get to the bed.  And then after that, we can do…”

 

“More in the bed?”

 

He laughed.  “I was going to say talk, but I’m game for whatever you want Liv.  I mean, you blow in here all angry and sexy-like...”

 

“So that turns you on?”

 

“Shit, Liv, you turn me on just by breathing.  You always have.”  She smiled and slipped her hands down his chest, quickly undoing the button on his pants and lowering his zipper, feeling powerful as his eyes darkened when her hand brushed against him.  She reached for her waistband, slipping her leggings and underwear down her legs.

 

“I vote for wall.  Now.”

 

“Good choice” he growled, pressing her back against it.

 

* * *

He smiled as she slipped back into bed with him, nestling into his side, resting her head on his chest. The day had worn on, but they had yet to leave this room or even separate from each other.  Even when he called for room service for lunch, he did it with her straddling his waist.  The short day was starting to wind down, as the sun started to move toward the end of the day.  He glanced at the clock across the room – 2:45 PM.  He never thought spending the day locked in a hotel room sounded like something he would enjoy.  He just needed the right person to enjoy it with. 

 

“I’m exhausted” she murmured into his chest.  He laughed, running his fingers through her hair. 

 

“We need to think about maybe leaving this room.  I owe my mother an apology for last night. I want to see Noah and I figure I should just pull the band-aid off with Rita.”  He felt her nodded against his chest in agreement.

 

“But first… Liv…” she rolled over, off of him, resting her head on her hand.  He pushed himself up some, rolling toward her too.

 

“Talk to me about retirement.  Are you serious?”

 

Liv shrugged.  “Depends on the day, right now.  Somedays I think there is no way I could ever walk away from the job.  Then others… I wonder why I’m still there.  There are plenty of over-qualified people that care just as much as I do that could take over for me in a heartbeat.  I know Dodds started looking during the whole Noah thing.  He had to. I’m not stupid.  Neither one of us knew if I was coming back.  My counterpart in Brooklyn would take the post in a heartbeat and would be damn good at it too.  But I just…”

 

“What?” he asked quietly. 

 

“I just… if I leave, I guess I want to know…” she paused, looking at the ceiling for a moment.  “I guess I want to know that there is more life to live outside of that job.”

 

He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him.  “There is. I had the same fear when I left last year.  I did. But when you step away…  you see that there is more work to do and now you could be free to do it.  Eventually. First thing you would need is a break.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“First thing I would do is take you and Noah to some beach somewhere and just stay there for at least two weeks.  You would be surprised the outlook you can have after a couple of weeks of sleeping to the sound of the ocean and drinking at high tide.”

 

“Sounds like you know what you are talking about.”

“I know the exact beach, too.  In the Caymans.  When I was there, I thought every day about showing it to you, being there with you. Taking Noah out snorkeling while you lay on the beach getting ridiculously tan.”

 

“That sounds like heaven.”

 

“With you two there, it would be.”

 

“Will you…” she paused, biting her lip, like she was unsure of herself. 

 

“What Liv?”

 

“If I take that leap. Retire.   Rafa… you’ll be here?”

 

“Olivia Benson, I’m not sure wild horses could drag me away at this point.  I’m not sure how you will get any work done, anyway, cause I’m not sure I’ll be able to take my hands off of you now.”

 

“You’ll be lucky if I ever let you out of my sight again, Rafael Barba.”  She leaned in, rolling on top of him, giving him a bruising kiss. She let go with a pop of her lips. 

 

“You need to know, Rafa. I love you.”

 

She’s not sure she had ever seen him smile so wide.  “It’s true. I finally let that final wall fall down and… I don’t know if you even…”

 

“Liv, I have loved you for years.  It’s what I was trying to say on the street that day but was too chicken to actually verbalize.  I do love you, Olivia.”  She threw herself down on top of him, wrapping herself around him. 

 

They laid like that for several minutes, but he knew he needed to get them both moving forward.  “So, Liv, what do you think?  Think we can get dressed and head out and you can help me get my life restarted?”

 

“Only if you promise to help me get on with mine?”

 

He kissed her quickly. “That’s a deal.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba rejoins life in NY. One more after this. Enjoy.

“What did you do, fire up the bat signal?” Rafael asked her as they got out of the car in front of his mother’s house. 

 

Olivia smiled. “Me?  Please.  Your mother is a professional.”  He groaned, rolling his head back and forth. 

 

“How much notice could she have had?  We only called her 45 minutes ago!”

 

“I guess she was optimistic that when I came back you would be with me.”  He nodded at her and they started to walk up the walkway to the front door, when it was thrown open.  Noah came barreling toward them.  He launched himself at Rafael, the man barely having time to prep to catch the little boy and brace himself. 

 

Noah buried his head in Rafael’s stomach, hugging him as tightly as he could.  A lump formed in his throat.    Noah looked up at him.

 

“You owe me robot building time!”  Rafael couldn’t do anything but laugh and nod.  Noah returned the nod.  “Let’s go. I keep a bunch of stuff here to play with.”  And with that, Noah was gone just as quickly as he had run out the front door. 

 

Rafael turned to Olivia. “How big has he gotten since I’ve been gone?”

 

“About 3 inches and 10 pounds.  He had a big year.”  The impact of those words hit him hard in the heart.  He wasn’t a fool.  He knew life would go on while he was gone.  But seeing this little boy, who didn’t seem to be so little anymore, made him realize just how much he had missed.  He promised himself not to miss anymore. 

 

He looked up to see his mother standing in the doorway.  Olivia walked past her, but not before Lucia grabbed her, whispering something in her ear. Olivia glanced back at him, smiled and nodded at his mother.  She walked into the house and Rafael paused in front of his mom at the bottom of the steps. She crossed her arms and stared at him. He cleared his throat, running his hand through his hair. 

 

“Thanks for not waiting two days, mom.”

 

“There is no way you thought I actually would, right?”  He shrugged. “Maybe a small part of me wanted my mommy to handle this problem for me, ok?”  She laughed, opening her arms to her son as he climbed the steps.  Lucia wrapped her arms around her son, holding him tightly as he did the same. 

 

“So, you are back now, right?” 

 

“Probably” he replied. Lucia pulled back, framing his face with her hands.  “I love you, my son, but you have been an ass the last year or so.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Disappearing again would be a bad idea.”  
  


“I won’t, mom.  If I have to leave again, it will only be for a short time and you will know where I’m going and I will answer the phone.”

 

“You better.  I don’t know if you have noticed or not, but I have the NYPD on my side.”

 

“I have noticed.”

 

“And Noah.”

 

“I noticed that too.” Lucia nodded, releasing her son and walking through the door.  He followed behind and closed the door, turning toward the living room.  He noticed an object flying through the air at a great rate of speed and only had a second to duck before the pillow hit the wall above his head instead of his face.  He looked across the room and found Rita glaring at him, arms crossed, foot tapping on the floor.  He picked up the pillow and walked across the room toward her, placing the pillow back on the couch. 

 

“You are an asshole.” He nodded.  “Yes.”

 

She shook her head.  “I mean a grade A, gigantic, world class asshole.” He nodded in agreement.  He stepped in front of his oldest friend in the world, trying to look as apologetic as possible while trying not to smile at her.  He had missed her face and her sass and her outlook on life. 

 

“I mean, who in the hell do you think you are, Rafael Barba?  You just, what… disappear and lose your ability to respond to a text message and we are all just supposed to sit around and wait for your pity party to end and celebrate your return?”

 

“I didn’t expect any of that, Rita my dear.”

 

“Well, its bullshit that you made us feel like that.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And Olivia… what she’s been…”

 

He glanced over his shoulder to her across the room before looking back at Rita.  “I know, Rita.  We’ve done some talking.”

 

“She’s been gone all day!”

 

“Well, we didn’t JUST talk.” He laughed as Rita made a gagging face, pretending to throw up on his shoes. 

 

“I missed you, Rita.”

 

“I missed you too, you giant jackass.”

 

“Can I have a hug?”

 

Rita threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly.  “You better be back for good, dick.”

 

“I think I might be, especially since you keep throwing around all the pleasantries and compliments.” She laughed.  “I hate you.”

 

“I hate you too, Rita. Can we go get drunk one night next week?”

 

“Absolutely.  I want to hear about all those places you have been that must not have Wi-Fi and cell towers.”

 

He stepped back from her, smiling.  “Ok. By the way, Miguel says hi.”

 

She froze, narrowing her eyes at him.  “You were at my boat and he didn’t call me?  I’m firing him tomorrow.”

 

“No, you aren’t.  You don’t trust anyone else to watch that thing and you know it.”

 

Lucia popped her head out of the kitchen.  “Let’s go, people.  This food isn’t going to eat itself.”

 

* * *

 

He leaned against the wall of the hallway, watching Olivia move around his former bedroom.  The night was starting to come to an end. Everyone had eaten and now they were all sitting in the living room, talking and drinking coffee.  He had noticed Olivia had disappeared upstairs so after she didn’t return, he followed.

 

Olivia glanced over her shoulder at him and he pushed himself off the wall, walking the few steps into the room. 

 

“Noah likes to throw things everywhere when we stay here, so I needed to come up and get his stuff out of all corners of the room before we left, even though I inevitably miss something. Your mom has started a collection of Noah’s stuff.”

 

He leaned into the doorframe, watching her move around the room like it was second nature.  “So, how often have you and Noah stayed here?”

 

Olivia shrugged, not really meeting his gaze.  “Some.”

 

“Liv?”  
  


“Maybe like once a week. Noah probably more.  He likes it here.  Your mom likes having him.  And I know…” Olivia trailed off, her eyes growing wet.  Rafael shut the door, walking over to her. 

 

“The Sheila thing.”  Olivia nodded.  “Have you…”  Olivia nodded. 

 

“Just once.  Stone isn’t handling it.  One of the junior ADA’s are.  She refused to talk any kind of plea till I agreed to come see her.  She was bawling, saying she loved Noah.  She loved Ellie.  She wanted her family back and everyone was gone and she just… the prison therapist says she’s really struggling with that reality.  Of being all alone.  She asked me if I would bring Noah so she could explain and when I said no, she started screaming some really awful and nasty things at me.”

 

Rafael swallowed the lump in his throat.  “I should have been here” he whispered.  Olivia shook her head, putting her hands on his shoulders.  “Stop it.  Yeah. It would have been nice if you had been here for that.  And for the million other things that have happened over the last year.  But we have to agree right here, right now.  We aren’t going to dwell on what we missed.  We can play that game forever and it won’t change anything.  The past is just that.  I would rather look forward.”

 

He pulled her in for a fierce hug, dropping his face to her shoulder, inhaling her in.  He knew she was right and the guilt of not being here would eat at him for a while.  It was something they were both going to have to work through.  It wasn’t going to be easy.  But it would be worth it.   He lifted his head, kissing her lightly. 

 

He smiled.  “You know, you are the first girl I’ve ever had in this room.”   Olivia laughed.  He shrugged. “I’m serious.”  
  


“I don’t believe you.”

 

“No, I swear.  It’s true.  I didn’t like being here as a teenager, so I always went other places or snuck out.  I didn’t want to bring anyone here.  Even Alex and Eddie were only here a few times.  I always went to their places or we just roamed around.”

 

Olivia ran her hand through his hair.  “I’m sorry.”

 

He pressed his lips roughly to hers.  “Make it up to me” he said, spinning around and dropping on the bed, pulling her into his lap.  Her eyes went wide.  “You can’t be serious!  There is a house full of people downstairs.  
  


“Then we will just be quick and quiet” he replied, pulling her shirt over her head.  
  


* * *

 

 

Rita narrowed her eyes at them when they finally came downstairs 15 minutes later.  She watched as he pressed a kiss to her cheek before she called Noah’s name.  Rita grabbed her purse and coat, walking over to him.  She looked him up and down before crossing her arms.

 

“You two couldn’t wait till we left!”

 

He thought about denying it but Rita always seemed to know.  “Making up for lost time” he said, watching Olivia and Noah trying to extract themselves from Lucia.

 

“Shouldn’t have disappeared for year.”

 

“I’m not just talking about the last year, Rita.”  He looked at her and she nodded.  “I know, Rafa.  I know. But still…”  He laughed and pulled her in for a hug.  “I’ll call you tomorrow.  I owe you several drinks.”

 

“Like a year’s worth, Barba.”

 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less, Calhoun.”

 

“You need a job? Cause I know a great firm…”

 

He smiled but shook his head.  “Thanks but no thanks.  I’m not sure me and a courtroom are meant to be for the foreseeable future.  But thank you for thinking of me.”  She nodded.  Olivia and Noah walked over to them.

 

“I think we are finally ready to go.”  Rafael looked at the bags in her hands. “Does my mom think you don’t eat?”

 

Olivia shrugged.  “She may have been in the apartment one day when the only thing in the frig were takeout containers and she may have gotten… concerned…”  Rafael and Rita started to laugh.  “Been there” they both said at the same time.

 

Olivia nodded.  “Yeah.  I just need to go up and get Noah’s bag.”  Rita grabbed him.  “How about Olivia goes alone there buddy.”  His eyes got wide and she looked back and forth between Rafael and Rita.  “What the…”  He just shrugged.  “So, Liv… Rita’s got this weird sixth sense when it comes to me and…”

 

Liv held up her hand. “Nope.  Just stop.  We’re going to just stop right there and pretend this isn’t happening.  I will go up alone to get the bag and then we are getting out of here.  OK?” Olivia walked away from the two of them and he couldn’t help but stare.

 

“For what it’s worth, Barba, it’s about damn time.”

 

He nodded.  “Yes it is.”

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. Thanks for reading. I knew how I wanted this to end when I started this story all those months ago. It took me longer to get here than I had planned for a variety of reasons. But we got here. Enjoy.

The cold winter turned to a wet spring, which finally broke at the beginning of May.  She took a moment to look around the room filled with her friends that had become family.  Unlike this time last year, when the winter broke but she felt gloomy and sad and alone, this year was full of hope and love and a future.  She watched him across the room, laughing and smiling and just being himself.

 

It had taken some time. He was nervous and scared to jump back in to life in New York.  She couldn’t blame him.  The press had hounded him like crazy during the trial.  Hounded her.  His mother. The rest of the squad.  It was part of the reason he had asked them all to stay away.  He didn’t want to subject them to the circus.  Not that she had listened.  She never really planned to in the moment and in the end, they were both glad she had ignored him.

 

That night after Lucia’s, it wasn’t even an option that he was coming home with her.  She was serious when she said it was going to be hard to let him out of her sight.  They laid in bed and she just let him talk through his worries and fears.  Bringing her down.  How he was technically homeless.  Which just made her smile.  He had yet to leave, even though he kept saying every day he should find a place because he felt like a freeloader.  Little did he knew that tomorrow, they were going to look for a new place.  Together. But that was tomorrow. Today.  Today was a day for celebration. 

 

She glanced at her watch. 7:30 PM.  As of 5 PM, she had officially retired from the NYPD. Sure.  She was nervous about what was next.  Her and Rafael had some ideas.  She was getting offers to speak, consult, even write a book.  That was the one he was behind 100%.  But that was also for tomorrow.  For tonight, there was a different plan.  One that was hers alone. 

 

“This is a hell of a turn out, Olivia” Cragen said as he slid up next to her.  “You should be out in the midst of it.”

 

She nodded.  “I know.  I just wanted to take a minute.  I can’t believe all these people turned out.  I think it was the promise of alcohol.”

 

“Stop selling yourself short, Liv” Nick Amaro said, joining their conversation.  “I can get much better drinks in San Diego.”  She laughed, smiling brightly at her old partner. “I still can’t believe you came all the way out here for this shindig.”

 

“Olivia, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  If anyone deserves an NYPD level send off, it is you.”  Cragen nodded in agreement. 

 

“OLIVIA!” she heard from across the room.  Fin and Rollins were waving at her.  “SPEECH!” Carisi yelled from behind them.    Amaro smiled and gave her a little shove.  The whole room started clapping as she smiled and waved.  She stopped briefly at a table, whispering something in the ear of Elana Barth, who smiled and nodded in response.  Olivia walked over to her squad, raising her hands to quiet everyone down. 

 

“Look.  I don’t have some speech prepared or anything.  My squad used my adorable son against me to even agree to a retirement party, but I have since decided to just go with it. This squad and NYPD have been such a huge part of my life for so long that when I first started thinking about this over a year ago, it scared me.  A lot.  What would I do if I didn’t do this every day?  Get some sleep?  Take a vacation?  Who wants to do that?” 

 

The crowd laughed, the officers in the room nodding along with her truth. 

 

“But then…” she paused, smiling at the man who was trying to tuck himself into the corner of the room. “Then… someone made me see that life was more than work.  That I had a chance to be more than my badge and number.  That taking this step wasn’t just the end, but also the beginning.” She waved at him.  He shook his head, but Rita shoved him hard out of his corner and toward her.  He made his way toward her and they got more than a few wolf whistles when she grabbed him and kissed him thoroughly as soon as he was close enough to her. 

 

“Thank you for coming back” she said when she finally pulled back from the kiss.

 

“I told you to stop thanking me, Liv” Rafael replied.  She just shrugged.

 

She turned to the crowd. “Now, I want this to be an enjoyable night for all of us. I do.  I know I told everyone in this room no gifts.  And I meant it.  I don’t need anything.  I have my son.  I have this guy right here.  I’ve got this ragtag family that I won’t be able to get rid of even though I am retired.”

 

“HERE HERE” Rollins yelled from behind her. 

 

“But.  There is one thing I want tonight.”  She turned toward Rafael, lacing her fingers through his. 

 

“And what would that be?” he asked.

 

She smiled.  “I want to get married.”  His eyes went wide and the room suddenly became much quieter. 

 

“What did you just say?” he asked.

 

She pressed her lips together to keep from laughing at the look on his face.  She wished she had a picture of it. 

 

“I said I want to get married.  Tonight.”

 

He shook his head, taking a step back from her.  “We can’t do that.”

 

She shrugged.  “Why not?”

 

His eyes went wide. Wider than she had ever seen them.  “Don’t you want to marry my mom?” Noah yelled.  Rafael turned around to see the little boy standing next to his mother, a wide grin on her face. 

 

“You know I want to marry your mom, Noah.”

 

“Then what’s the issue?” she asked.  He turned back to her. 

 

“We don’t have rings!”

 

She shrugged again. “We can get them tomorrow.  I have it on good authority there are one or two decent jewelry stores in the city.” He narrowed his eyes at her. 

 

“Smart ass.”

 

“Always.  What are your other objections?”  She heard Fin snort from behind her. 

 

“We aren’t dressed for…”

 

“What?  A wedding?  I think we both look very nice tonight.  Plus, my dress is new AND blue!”

 

“Wait.  Did you plan this?!?”  She just smiled back at him.

 

He smirked at her.  “OK.  We don’t have the paperwork.  We can’t just get married.  We need…”

 

“An officiant and the wedding license?” They both turned to see Judge Barth standing there, holding a piece of paper in her hand.  “Trust me, Rafael.  Your soon to be wife has thought of everything.”

 

He turned his gaze back to her.  “Liv. You deserve a proper wedding celebration.”

 

“I don’t know if you have noticed, Rafael, but literally everyone we know is here tonight.  If you would just give in, it will be a proper wedding celebration.  I even told Carisi to bring his camera.”  Rafael noticed the flash go off out of the corner of his eye as she was talking. 

 

“Shit.  You really did think of everything.”

 

She grabbed his hands again. “Look, once I knew this party was inevitable, I decided to make it what I wanted.  I want to wake up tomorrow retired NYPD Lieutenant Olivia Benson AND Mrs. Rafael Barba.  So how about you just say yes so we can get this party back on track, OK?”

 

He dropped his head for a moment.  When he looked back at her, the look on his face said he was all in.  “Let’s do this!” he said.  Everyone quickly moved around, creating a small space for the couple to stand. Noah stood between them as Judge Barth started to talk. 

 

“Well, it would seem we are here tonight to celebrate the VERY impromptu wedding of Olivia Benson and Rafael Barba.  I won’t even ask if anyone has objections because I think you all know what Olivia will do to you if you do, so it is probably best if you keep that to yourself, OK?”  The crowd laughed. 

 

“Alright.  So, with that out of the way, let’s get right to the good stuff, shall we?”  She nodded at Barba. 

 

“Do you, Rafael Barba, take Olivia Benson to be your lawfully wedded wife?  To have and to hold, in sickness and in health till death do you part?”

 

“I do” he said louder than she had ever heard him respond to anything.

 

And do you, Olivia Benson, take Rafael Barba to be your lawfully wedded husband?  To have and to hold, in sickness and in health till death do you part?”

 

“I so very much do” she replied. 

 

“Well, with the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may kiss your bride, Rafael.”  The crowd erupted into boisterous applause as he grabbed Olivia, kissing her soundly. 

 

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… MR. AND MRS. RAFAEL BARBA!” Fin yelled as they broke apart.  He smiled at her, grabbing Noah and lifting him up on his hip, raising their linked hands up in the air.  It may have been a long and winding road, but the three of them were finally where they were supposed to be.  Together. 


End file.
